Making Dreams into Nightmares
by Lune Nightingale
Summary: IDW - Sunstreaker can’t have what he wants most and Hot Rod is honest to a fault with terrible luck on his side. And sometimes, that’s all it takes to bring two people together. - Spoilerific if you've not read all IDW Comics
1. Dreams

**Title:** Making Dreams into Nightmares

**Series:** IDW

**Pairing:** Sunstreaker/Hot Rod

**Rating:** R to sorta NC-17

**Spoilers:** Spotlight Hot Rod

**Warnings:** There is lots of smutty content, angst and bitter sweetness. But this is the nicer part. Part two is the real killer.

**Notes:** This was originally to be a one-shot. It turned into three. Also, brackets [[ ]] stand for flashbacks. I didn't get a beta this time.. So ah… bear with me?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Transformers. And this story line belongs to IDW. For all their angst, I borrowed it to feed my own silly desires.

**Summary:** Sunstreaker can't have what he wants most and Hot Rod is honest to a fault with terrible luck on his side. And sometimes, that's all it takes to bring two people together. In an attempt to overlook what is hurting them on the inside, they find they are getting more than they bargained for.

**Part I: Dreams**

"All my dreams turn into nightmares."

"You're so melodramatic." The handsome features twisted in mock disgust as tropic blue optics narrow to hide the flare of energy to them. Yellow fingers moved delicately down the curve of his neck sending a shiver down his spinal unit. "You're such a doomsayer. What happened to being thrilled about being made a unit leader?"

"C'mon, Sunny… you know how my luck goes…" Darkened sapphire bled through, mere slivers of light as he tipped his helm back. Silver fingertips grazed up the strong forearms before gripping the bolsters on Sunstreaker's shoulders.

"Mm… Keep talking like that, you'll get fragged you idiot." Lips curled into a smirk against the soft metal of his cheek before the soft rubbery tip of a glossa trailed along a cheek seam. "Shouldn't you be worrying about more important things right now, Roddy?"

The smaller figure laughed through a gasp, as his fingers tightened hard against the struts of his shoulders. "What? Ah…" Shuddering as dental plating found the edge of his jaw; the laughter didn't leave his voice. "Like you?"

"What else is there?" Sunstreaker grinned evilly into the contour of his neck. He could tell by the way his jaw moved and the sweep of those lips as they ran along the wires in his neck.

"Nn… Fraggin… narcissist." A soft chuckle left Roddy as he pushed his fingers into the seams of the warrior's back weaving through wires softly and gripping. Letting out a soft mewl as the other's dental plates rolled a fuel line between them, Hot Rod managed to tip his head further back against the berth offlining his optics completely.

"Naturally." Sunny's voice was a deep purr into his audio as strong hands worked their way down Hot Rod's sides. Dancing along the edges of his torso, Roddy felt his chassis tighten as he gasped and arched into those hands. "Limber aren't you?"

"Ha ha… Ahhh…" Lifting his hips into Sunny's hands, he panted as fans began to kick in. "You never… take… me seriously!"

All that answered him was a long purr. Bringing his optics online dimly, he tips his head down to look at his lover as Sunny sat back on his heels and slowly dragged his optics over his body. Turning his head away, lines in Roddy's face tightened as optic ridges knit together. Sunstreaker seemed to have other things in his processor though, as he pinched at his hip. "Look at me."

Shifting a fisted hand to his lips, Roddy bit into his index finger trying to ignore the way the elder was circling his fingertips so erotically against the armor of his thighs. He could feel the way they rolled under them then tightened their hold. With a sudden yank, his lower body was pulled onto Sunstreaker's lap forcing out a surprised cry from his lips.

Turning sharp optics, to glare at the warrior, he could only see a devious smirk painted over beautiful features. "I knew that would get your attention."

"You just can't stand it if I'm not focused on you." Roddy's lips drew up at the corners as he smiled softly. Though biting in content, it lacked all sting on delivery.

Sunstreaker cocked an optic ridge slowly then neatly drew a fingertip down a seam in Roddy's thigh. "Hot Rod. If I let you go off, you'd go into one of your not so secret bouts of self doubt. Which… I honestly don't know why…" A Cheshire cat grin swept over his face as he delved into the underside of the younger's knee to tweak the wiring. "I mean… look who is worshipping your body."

"This…" he arched slightly as the sensors sent a shock of electricity up his legs, "from the bot that only seduced me in the beginning…. Because he couldn't have what he wanted."

Yellow hands stilled a moment drawing Hot Rod's optics to gaze with concern at Sunny's façade. The cocky forthright smile was gone, and tension lines formed as he clenched his jaw. Caribbean blue optics dimmed and faded as they seemed to stare through Roddy's torso letting him know he'd said the wrong thing. "Hey… Sunstreaker…"

When no answer came, he rolled his body up, the pistons and struts hissing as he sat up into the larger mech's lap. Softly slipping his fingers over Sunny's shoulders, he leaned closer lightly kissing at the elder's helm. "Just count it off as bitter musings… I know I'm second string."

"Primus, you're annoying." Lifting his helm, Roddy watched as the sly smile returned to those lips. "You seriously have no slaggin' clue how gorgeous you are."

His optics flared as he lowered his head. "I…"

"Can it." Pressing strong hands against the plane of his chest, Roddy felt Sunny shove him onto his back again. Delicately the tips traced over the embossed flames before Sunstreaker leaned down to draw the smooth rubbery tip of his glossa along their wake.

"Yes master." Hot Rod bit back with a chuckle mixed with the sound of a purr.

"Oooh… I like that." Butterfly kisses followed, spilling over his chestplate and followed up by nips along the collar. Sunstreaker sighed in content as his hands worked their way under the warm artistic plane and through the wires to tweak sensor nodes that his fingers could get to. Hot Rod felt like his body lit on fire as sensors roared to life in a chain reaction to his touch.

"Sunstreaker…" Sighing the name out, his body writhed into the touches. Sunstreaker's hands felt like they were everywhere at once as they assaulted seams and slid under plating to tangle through wires. The loud hum of fans drowned out his thoughts and drove the doubts away as the heat rose in his internals.

Rolling his head to the side, Roddy once more bit into the corner of his knuckles as he felt one leg lifted gently in strong hands. The sweep of rubber into his knee joint caused him to gasp and lift his hips off of the strong thighs his aft had been pressing into. Fingertips trailed down the underside of his calf before pressing into the joint of his ankle. "Roddy… just stop thinking."

Shuddering hard, his leg twitched as the surprisingly nimble digits moved about to press into the crevice of the sole of his foot. The sensitive metal sent a shock of pleasure down his thigh that ran straight to his spark. "Ah!"

Sunstreaker hummed above him and Roddy's processor whirled fast as the intoxicating heat invaded it. Curling his other leg slowly about the other's waist, he heard the snort followed by the soft whisper against his inner thigh. "Better not scratch my paint."

"Mm… you know I'll fix it."

"Getting slaggin' good at it too." The press of lips against the softer metal of his thigh caused him to quiver as Sunny kissed up the limb slowly. Hot Rod jerked as the nasal ridge slid over the seam where thigh met codpiece. Turning his head, his optics flared to see Sunny's lips parted and his glossa slip out to trail along the piece of armor dipping down into the seam.

"SUNNY!" Joints stiffened and he threw his head back as the over sensitized sensors fired a wealth of feeling and data into his network. "Please! Stop teasing!"

Chuckling lowly, Sunstreaker shifted against his body and wrapped his hands about Hot Rod's waist. Dragging the younger mech up, the warrior allowed their noses to slide together. Roddy couldn't help the way he panted. The heat in his systems forced him to use his mouth as well as his vents while he stared into Sunny's face. The hot air slid over metal features leaving a sheen of condensation that caused the yellow mech to shudder. For a moment, Hot Rod wasn't sure if he was mad at that pleased look, or further turned on. Carefully he lifted his hands and drew his fingertips over Sunstreaker's face in a sense of awe. Leaning closer, soft pliable lips melded into one another as he kissed the elder slowly and deeply.

Sunstreaker's engine purred against his chest while he pushed his hands up Hot Rod's back. For a moment, they lingered at the gap just under Roddy's upper armor before pushing inside. Hot Rod couldn't stop the moan that the other hungrily swallowed through the kiss. Sunny saw the opportunity and took it to push his glossa into the younger's mouth and invaded the slick cavern, plotting out and memorizing every strut and curvature of the inside.

Groaning, Hot Rod felt all of his higher level thinking fading away as his systems drew closer and closer to overload. Sunstreaker had plenty of time to learn all of his weaknesses and pulled no punches in his fighting or in his interfacing. Gasping out as one hand found the seam of his interface panel; Sunny quickly recovered the kiss and drew Roddy's glossa into his own mouth.

"Mm…" As his lover suckled and nipped at his glossa, he barely even noticed the soft slide of the panel as it opened for Sunny's questing fingers. Only when one digit slid into his port did he rip his head back and arch against the yellow form. "SUNNY!"

The false connection had sent a shock through him, and now his internals were shaking. Sunstreaker purred, pleased at the reaction he'd gotten before removing his finger. Not long after, he felt his lover's cable snapping into his port and flooding his datastreams with all of Sunstreaker's coding. Writhing against the elder's form, his fingers once more gripped the yellow bolsters and cried out sharply.

When Sunstreaker finally plugged Roddy's cable into his own port, he couldn't even tell. Pressing hard into the broader form, he whimpered and pushed his face into Sunny's neck. Roddy could feel the sweep of hands up his back and when they drew over his spoiler, he lost all sense. The rush was hard and fast as fingertips grazed and pinched the edges of gold mixed in with the outpouring of desire and data through the interface connection.

Sunny's hands gripped his spoiler hard dragging Roddy roughly against him. "Overload, Roddy." His tone, strained and harsh, still held every ounce of command that he carried himself with day by day.

Too much. Throwing his head back as his systems obeyed, Hot Rod's body seemed to scream out as his overcharged spark felt like it was bursting from his chassis. "Sunstreaker!"

In one exploding moment he forgot everything. All of his worries, the self doubt, and fell into the intense warmth and strong hands as he heard the groan so close to his audio. It sent shivers down his spinal unit as he sank against Sunstreaker's body.

"Hot Rod…"

Giving a low purr, he could feel the ghosting sensation of gentle hands on his back as they lowered to the berth. But the heavy weight of needing recharge took over as it saturated his processor. At times he wondered why he kept going back to Sunny. But then when he felt this way, on the edge of consciousness and recharge, he remembered. And where Sunstreaker remained notorious for using and leaving before morning, Roddy only woke once without the heated form beside him.

-+-

[["So… heard you did a bang up job on that last run, Hot Rod." Springer smirked and shoved an energon cube over when he sat next to him. Grimly staring at the contents, he rolled his shoulders to get the soreness out of them.

"Yeah, laugh it up Mr. Perfect." Sighing, he finally wrapped his fingers around the cube. The small energon bar on the base held quite a few bots that were off duty. The low murmur of conversation was the only sound in the dimly lit room. This was a rare luxury, and none missed out on it.

"Don't be that way." The green triple changer chuckled beside him. "Sucks for you… since you can't even drink your sorrows away like everyone else."

"You just won't quit." The corners of his lips pulled up in a faint smile as he picked up the cube. His mood hadn't improved, but he never passed up banter with his best friend. Being as they rarely had the chance to talk.

"And you love it." Lifting his head, Hot Rod caught that slight grin of confidence. For all of his show, it amazed him that Springer lacked the conceit many accused him of having.

"If you say so." Leaning forward, he rested his elbows on the counter and gazed about the room. The botched up missions kept piling on him, and his commanders didn't hesitate to blame it on his compulsive nature. Too much action they said, without enough thought processing. Yeah… too bad he was immune to high grade.

His survey of the room suddenly stopped as his optics landed on the sleek shine of yellow highlighted in white light. Searching his processor, the name was on the edge of his vocalizer, but he couldn't put a finger on it. The yellow mech's form was hunched over the bar, one elbow on the surface with his palm cradling his cheek. Cheek seams and lips drew tightly over handsome features as his jaw visibly tensed.

Marveling at the perfect shine and gloss of yellow paint, he found the most over powering feature were his optics. Hot Rod stared at the dimmed hues of tropic blue and slowly felt himself pulled into the sea of frustration and something close to sadness. What was his name?

"Roddy? Hello?" Springer gave a grunt before he felt a sharp pang to his side as a large elbow joint jabbed into him.

"Sorry! Ow! For Primus' sake you big lug! I'm recovering!" Covering with a smirk, he met the amused optics of his friend.

"You'll live." Shifting his optics to the mech Roddy had been staring at, he shrugged his shoulder. "Give it up. Sunstreaker is the love em and leave em type. So, want a one night stand? Go for it. Otherwise forget it."

"Oh lay off. I was just curious. Like I'd fall for looks." Snorting, he shoved the leader of the Wrecker crew hard in the shoulder barely even moving him. No, he wasn't the type to be taken in by looks. But the looks weren't the reason he was staring.

"Yeah. S'why I warned you." Shaking his head, Springer rose to his feet. "I've got to turn in. We're heading out early." Pausing he looked at his friend carefully before patting his shoulder. "Take care of yourself, Hot Rod. And try to keep your processor cool, all right?"

"You know me."

"That's why I'm worried." Grinning lightly, Springer turned and started for the door. Frowning slightly, he knew the other wouldn't wait for him to say goodbye. Springer wasn't one for tearful partings. In a way, Hot Rod preferred it that way. It didn't feel permanent.

Harsh whispers caught his audios and he quickly snapped his head about to find the source. Finding his optics back on the yellow warrior, he found him quietly arguing with another warrior. Furrowing his optic ridges, he studied the red and black mech glaring at Sunstreaker sharply as he retorted. The sharp narrowing of optics and the tensed jaw gave away the amount of anger being conveyed in his words.

He shouldn't. He knew he shouldn't. But when his optics moved back to the aqua hues, he raised the gain on his audios trying to hear what they were saying. If he had been smart, he would have looked somewhere other than the perfect profile of the yellow mech.

"Sideswipe, aren't you tired of being such a fraggin' liar?!" Hissing through his dental plating, Sunstreaker narrowed his optics to slits of pale light. "You're too busy trying to show the world up and beat me!"

"I don't need this! Not from you!" The one called Sideswipe angrily shoved Sunstreaker's hand aside. "You're one sick slagger, you know that?"

"Why is it sick?" The yellow warrior set his jaw tightly as he stared waiting for an answer. Sideswipe moved to answer but stopped. Back going stiff, the red mech angeled his head a little in Roddy's direction before ripping away.

"Forget it. You're impossible to talk to." Snarling in reply, he marched for the exit, gait stiff and heavy. Roddy looked amazed. Gaping a little, he watched Sideswipe leave before daring to look back at Sunstreaker.

The energon in his lines went cold when their optics met. Icy glare bearing into him, he considered getting up and making a run for it. This feeling became especially prominent as Sunstreaker pushed to his feet. Only, as he told his body to move, he remained frozen to the chair gasping as Sunstreaker slid into the seat next to him.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you that listening in to conversations isn't polite? I would hate to have to teach you manners." The voice rolled through his processor and he automatically leaned back and away from the threat to his person.

"I… I don't know what you mean!" Roddy's voice hit a shrill note as he quickly tried to rise. Normally, he'd be ready for a fight. His compulsive nature always sprung him into action. But this time he was knowingly in the wrong. And it didn't help matters being newly repaired.

"You're a lousy liar." Shock ran through his red frame when the other spoke, a smirk pulling at Sunny's lips. "So… what are your brilliant deductions about what you heard?"

Hot Rod continued to lean back almost falling from the chair as Sunstreaker leaned closer. "I… I think I need to stay out of this."

"You do. But I'm asking anyway." Coldly purring out that tone, yellow fingers suddenly brushes a freshly repaired seam causing Hot Rod to jump.

"He's obviously… important to you."

Sharp optics flared in response and slowly the yellow warrior leaned away. Sunstreaker grimaced and turned to face forward away from the shaken up cavalier. "Oh really? So tell me genius, what gave you that idea?"

"Well… anger like that… is fueled generally by love. Or… something of the like." Hot Rod worried about the wording. He worried about his own skidplate to be honest. In the end, he would die from being honest to a fault.

Sunstreaker drew his optic ridges together sharply at this then began to laugh. "Slagger…" Smirking, he turned and met Hot Rod's confused look. "Why don't you come back to my room with me?"

"What?" His vocalizer cracked in his response and he jerked a bit when yellow digits crept up his arm. "You're… going to beat the frag out of me aren't you?"

"Do you want me to?" The way his lips curled up into a sly smile was enough to get his fuel pump rushing. Yet, for all the innuendo and light suggestive touches, Hot Rod kept his optics on Sunstreaker's optics. Through the planned and perfect expression, he felt drawn in and lost in that pain buried deep beneath the bravado.

"You don't even know my name." Offering this lamely, he tried to shift away.

"Does it matter?" Sunstreaker smirked even more as he leaned in after Roddy's escaping form.

"It does to me!" Pure shock filled his expression with the widening flare of optics. "Then tell me."

"I…" Dropping off, he watched the other's face. For all the beauty in the world, he wouldn't have bent to such an absurd request. But the fine line tension in that face that could be so smooth and perfect were the last enticement to make him fall. "Hot Rod…"

"Well, Hot Rod… what do you say?"

Fans kicked in as he knew this wouldn't end well. Nothing compulsive he did ever turned out right. But it didn't stop the condemning nod of his head. "All right." With those words, the strong hand gripped his hand and pulled him from his seat. ]]

-+-

The echo of agony and self regret rang through his processor as he walked down the halls of the newest base. A silver hand pressed to his forehead trying to push the dull ache away physically. His processor wouldn't stop whizzing the memories through his waking conscious of the screams and the begging of his comrade to be saved. He'd left him to die.

It wasn't like they were close. They were a pretty new team, but they had relied on him. This had been his team, his responsibility. He let them die. Completing the mission earned him pats on the back and words of commending his efforts. The command staff had even wanted to give him a new team. A new team… A new group of bots to be led to their deaths.

Gasping at the twist of his spark, he stumbled and fell against the wall shifting only to push his hands over his ringing audios. Names and faces flashed through his processes driving him further to the brink. He'd told them this wouldn't happen again. Hot Rod had decided as he'd ran through the tunnels that he'd work alone from then on. His own cowardice refused to risk anymore lives. Orders be damned.

Fans kicked in and tried to cool his heated systems as he hammered down the emotion bubbling up in his spark. Their low hum drowned out the sound of the world around him, droning and mixing with the pain in his head. He didn't even notice the footsteps that approached until a gentle touch slid over his forearm.

Jerking sharply he slapped the hand away and shoved his back into the wall. Wild optics flared as he stared into the familiar face coming into focus. His brows knit together as he glared at the handsome features that trained themselves into a hard mask. "Get away from me Sunstreaker."

The yellow warrior's optics flashed and his jaw tensed at that command. Without a word he snatched Roddy's hand and yanked him from the wall only to drag him down the hall. Hot Rod struggled at first, trying desperately to pull his hand from the vice like grip. Sunstreaker wouldn't let go. He shouldn't have been surprised. When Sunny set his processor on something, it couldn't be derailed.

"Sunstreaker! Stop!" His protest was cut short as he went careening through a door into a bunk. Stumbling a few steps, he whirled around and set a glare on the other. "Is that all I am to you, you fragger?! Take me to the berth and play with me? I'm not in the mood!"

"You're such an idiot." Without further explanation, sure strides, only two, breached the distance between them. A yellow hand pressed into his chest and made him walk backward until his knees hit the berth. The surge to fight back hit him, but Sunny pushed harder causing him to sit on the edge. "Stay."

Shooting his head up to stare at that serious expression on the warrior's face, he almost cried out when that hand moved away. For all his screaming, he didn't want Sunny to walk away. The elder took a few steps back and yanked a chair from the small desk in the room to place it in front of Hot Rod. Watching in perplexity, Roddy marveled at how the other sat in the chair and crossed his arms over his chest reclining in a disgruntled but relaxed manner.

"So. Before I beat the slag out of you for being stupid, tell me what the frag your problem is. I heard your mission was a success." Brilliant sea blue optics set carefully on his own. Something in his spark turned and sent a sick feeling into his tank at those words. Instead, a bitter laugh bubbled up into his chest.

"Success? Success?! Yeah. I did what they wanted!" Bittersweet venom was laced in his words as his voice grew louder. "I killed them all! They're all dead!"

Optic ridges rose slightly on handsome features before knitting together with the narrowing of his optics. Sunstreaker tensed slightly before leaning forward resting his elbows on his knees. Roddy slowly slid into the same posture, their heads coming close together as the fight left him. "This is war, Hot Rod."

His optics surged bright as he looked into that drawn expression. It was calm and irritating. How could he be so calm! "They were my responsibility! And when he begged for my help… I had to run away! I had to get away for the mission! I left Dealer to die!"

Hands shot up and cupped his face with surprisingly firm but gentle motions. When he tried to look away, Sunny forced him to look into his face. "You're so self-centered in your pity."

"What?!" With a violent jerk, he pulled away from Sunstreaker and shoved himself into the wall trying to get away. "You son of a—"

"Please, Roddy…" Sunny grumbled, rising to his feet slowly. "You are so certain that everything is your fault. You think you're a walking cataclysm waiting to destroy everything you touch. Don't think I don't pay attention to what you say. It's your own sort of narcissism."

"The only narcissist in this room is you." Snorting sharply, he drew his legs up and pressed his knees to his chest plate.

"Oh, I know I am. You should know by now I wouldn't deny it." Roddy, listened to those words as he carefully watched Sunny slip up onto the berth. "I'm just saying you can't seem to do anything without thinking the failures are your own personal discretion. When we go out onto the field of battle… we all know we could die. It's our choice. You didn't make it for them."

"What do you care?" The petty retort burned in his vocalizer as he dipped his head behind his knees slowly. "Thought this was just an arrangement of…"

"Shut up. Do you really think I'd keep coming back to your pitiful aft just because you're pretty?" Snorting in complete disdain, he shifted on the berth, the hiss of hydraulics betraying his motion. But Hot Rod didn't look up till he felt the warm plating slide against his side. Turning his head, he watched in awe as Sunny sat beside him. The elder didn't try to hug him or touch him beyond the press of their sides together. Gazing at the perfect profile, Hot Rod felt his spark ache more for different reasons.

"It's not like you talk to me all that often. Not about anything important." His voice sounded pathetic even to his own audios. Tearing his gaze away from the yellow warrior, he stared at his knees feeling equally as pathetic.

"I guess I don't. Why would you want to know about my pathetic antics anyway?" The slide of metal against the metal wall told him that Sunny had turned to look at him..

"I don't know. Because I always make you listen to mine?" Shrugging weakly, his forehead finally pressed into his knees. The younger didn't want to know how pitiful he looked. Didn't want to admit that he wanted to hide in the dark and just wallow in his own self hate. "Can't you just distract me?"

"I thought you were pissed about me using you for a quick interface." The tone sounded flat and irritated making Roddy smile just a little.

"Is that the only way you know how to distract someone?"

"Keep pushing it, slagger. I'll knock you on your aft." For all the threat in his words, Roddy knew that teasing edge laced into Sunny voice.

"If I had an energon goodie for every time I heard you say that to me…" Cutting off, he let out a soft gasp as an arm slid about his waist. His body was then pulled carefully into the warm torso. The touch where gentle, held no feeling of questing intimacy. At least, not the kind he was used to receiving from the larger mech.

"He's my spark twin."

"What?" In the midst of the warmth, he shot his head up sharply to stare in surprise at the other. Spark twin? Who…? "Sideswipe?"

The other nodded his head slowly, but his optics were staring holes through the wall on the other side of the room. "We split up when we were younger… I went into the Autobot ranks…"

Hot Rod couldn't erase the shock on his face as he looked at the mech holding onto him so desperately. Even though Sunstreaker's face stayed tight and his jaw stayed set, the way that arm clung to his waist let him know how much he didn't want to talk about this. "Spark twins… that's… I didn't know…"

"That they actually existed? Probably because people think they're freaks of nature." Snarling a little, he turned a glare to his lover. "After going through pit… I let him play it off that we weren't. That we were complete strangers."

"So you left to make it easier for him…" It hurt to admit it for his lover. Watching those piercing optics, he felt his tank turn in a sudden desire to purge. "And he let you?"

Sunstreaker gave a slow shrug of his shoulders. "He didn't stop me."

"You wanted him to." Softly completing the thought, his spark felt like it ripped as Sunny's head bowed slightly to stare at his own thighs. "So… you are in love with him." Sunny stiffened at the observation causing him to hurriedly go on. "Well… why wouldn't you? He's your other half…"

Darkened aqua optics turned to look at Roddy in complete silence. After a long moment, Sunny moved pulling his slighter form with him. Languidly slipping onto his back on his berth, Roddy felt himself being pulled on top of him. "You should get some rest."

Tipping his head up, he placed his chin on the glossy paint of his lover's chest staring at him in shock. Maybe Sunstreaker did know how to distract. Only, now he felt more confused and achy than before. Added into the pain of killing his entire team, now he knew why is lover's optics always looked distant. He knew why the other wore that shell of anger and bravado. And he knew why he would never be more to Sunstreaker than an outlet to his pain.

Giving in to the command from the yellow mech, he turned his helm to rest his audio against his chest. The slow pulse of Sunstreaker's spark echoed in his helm as he whispered softly. "All right. Recharge well…"

"Sure. Good night." The flippant reply caused him to flinch. What could he say?

The desire to speak fled though as strong fingers found his back and slowly rolled over his armor and dermal plating. It felt so good that his internals couldn't do anything but purr as those hands drew him closer to the verge of recharge. As he slipped offline, he marveled at one thought. It didn't take an overload to remind him why he kept coming back to these arms.

-+-

[[Rebooting sluggishly, Hot Rod felt the electricity shoot through his network reviving his limbs and sensors from the deep recharge he'd slipped into. A low sigh left his vents in contented reverie for the sated feeling in his body. At least this time he didn't feel like he'd been battered to get that way.

Suddenly his back arched as a hand slid over his spoiler shocking him further into wakefulness. Oh, that was a new feeling. Bringing his optics online, he turned his head on the berth and stared into the dimly lit optics of the yellow warrior beside him. Sunstreaker smirked a little from his spot on his side. "Good morning."

What? Hot Rod felt his body shiver as those fingers pushed down his back then back up into the seam between his upper back and waist. Silver fingers clawed into the berth as he drew in air sharply. "Nn…"

"I really can't get over how sensitive you are." The elder mused softly as he curled his fingers into the wiring they found.

"You're… still here…" Shuddering hard, he couldn't stop from pressing into the hand in his back.

"So I am."

"Why...?" The last time, Sunstreaker had put him through a rough bout of interfacing only to be gone when he woke up. Hot Rod expected that. This… was not expected in the least. But then, he'd not expected the warrior to approach him again either when they ran into one another again.

"Because you looked cute while you were recharging?" Offering helpfully, the warrior slipped his fingers out of Roddy's back causing the younger to dim his optics with a purr. "And maybe I was fascinated by the idea of seeing you wake up? Does it matter?"

"I… I guess not." Turning his head the other way, Hot Rod dimmed his optics further as he sank back onto his chest against the berth. He couldn't recall why he'd let this happen again.

"You're not getting sappy on me are you?" The warrior groaned and flopped onto his back with a thud. "I knew it. I'd finally find the sappy idiot that expected romance out of me. Fraggit."

Hot Rod froze when Sunny lifted off the berth and suddenly pressed his hands down on either side of his body. His internal fans roared to life as he felt the warmth emanating off of Sunny's body so close to his before Sunstreaker spoke again. "Don't expect me to bring you sweet energon and woo you."

Flaring at this, Hot Rod roughly flipped himself onto his back to glare at him angrily. "I'm not a slaggin' femme you glitch! Don't treat me like one!"

"You could have fooled me." Roddy wanted to retort, but he stopped when fingers moved over the collar of his chestplate. "You almost have the curves and your waist is slender enough."

"You are a complete aft." Glaring at him sharply, he fought the urge to strangle Sunny when he started to laugh.

"I guess." Shifting to rest his elbow on the berth, Sunny cradled his head in his hand as he dropped his gaze to trail over Roddy's body. "So… plan on telling all your friends that you've dragged me into the berth twice now?"

"Are you joking?" Roddy snorted in irritation and turned his head to stare at the wall ignoring that amused gaze. "One, I'm not like that. Two, I want to go somewhere in the ranks and not be seen as some stupid playbot. And three, when you get tired of me, if no one knows, I won't be pitied."

"You've really thought that through. Good. I'll go with that." Turning his head, Hot Rod's optics flared at the sight of the feral grin on his lover's face. "But there is one thing you should know about me, so listen hard. I don't give a slag about anyone. And I won't stick my neck out for them either. All I care about is my own aft and that's it. So don't expect anything from me."

"Fragger." Covering the stab of hurt in his chest with a sharp retort, he doesn't look at Sunstreaker. Looking at him always lead him to giving in. But then, maybe this would work out better for both of them. If neither got attached, when everything fell apart as he knew it would, neither would get hurt.

"Is that my cue to get out?" Surprisingly softer in tone, Roddy made the mistake of looking at Sunstreaker when he spoke. The dim lighting of his optics caught the younger's attention and he felt like the air had been ripped out of his vents.

"No…"

Sunstreaker smiled lightly and slid his arms about Roddy's waist before rolling onto his back pulling him along. "Masochist."

"Shut up." Yeah, much better this way. ]]

-+-

"Wait…. What?" Hot Rod's optics seemed to haze over as he stared up at the warrior as he leaned in close. "What are you trying to tell me?"

Sunstreaker pressed his lips together in irritation as he glanced away at other bots sending them strange looks. They rarely talked in public, and Sunstreaker never 'simply' conversed with anyone. "You heard me."

"But… why? Why would you find that out for me?" Pressing further, all concern of what the others thought became a distant concern.

"Just shut up and take it!" Without another word, the yellow warrior grabbed his hand and shoved a data disc into it. When he pulled back, he glared at Roddy's silver hand a long moment.

Hot Rod finally pulled his gaze away in order to look at the disc he clutched desperately in his hand. A ticket to redemption for the horror he'd called down on himself. But for all the elation bubbling up in him, he didn't understand. "Sunstreaker…"

"Look. I couldn't take it anymore…" The harsh whisper brought Roddy's attention back up to the profile of his lover. "Just… do whatever you have to do. But I'll slag your aft if you do more than just save that fragger."

"I don't believe it. You're…"

"Shut it!" Sunny snapped, sending him an icy glare. "Just go, all right? Before I change my mind and tie you up so you can't."

The smallest hint of a smile pulled at his lips as he faced the look head on. For the first time since their relationship started, he found it practically impossible to keep from touching Sunstreaker in public. "You know… I still need to plan."

"Do it on your own time. I want no part of it." Hissing back, Sunstreaker took a step back when Roddy moved closer.

"I don't mean it that way, Sunshine."

"Don't you dare call me that."

Giving a soft laugh, he clutched the disk to his chassis before sweeping by Sunstreaker. "Block B… Room 36." His words were only loud enough for Sunny to hear as their shoulders grazed.

Catching the subtle, defeated nod, Hot Rod swept down the halls leaving his lover behind. He needed to plan. Rescuing someone from the depths of Decepticon hell wouldn't be easy. Doubt simply didn't exist in his mind that he could fail. What bothered his processor more… stood a ways behind him unmoving.

What ever happened to "others be damned"? Either way, he reveled in the fact that for once in his bleak existence, he felt driven to elation. Something in the back of his processor warned him away, but he didn't listen. For once, he didn't want to listen.

-+-


	2. Nightmares

**Title:** Making Dreams into Nightmares

**Series:** IDW

**Pairing:** Sunstreaker/Hot Rod

**Rating:** R to sorta NC-17

**Spoilers:** Infiltration through Revelation, Maximum Dinobots

**Warnings:** There is lots of smutty content, angst and bitter sweetness.

**Notes:** This was originally to be a one-shot. It turned into three. Also, brackets [[ ]] stand for flashbacks when used. Part three is finished… I just need to clean it up.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Transformers. And this story line belongs to IDW. For all their angst, I borrowed it to feed my own silly desires.

**Summary:** Sunstreaker can't have what he wants most and Hot Rod is honest to a fault with terrible luck on his side. And sometimes, that's all it takes to bring two people together. In an attempt to overlook what is hurting them on the inside, they find they are getting more than they bargained for.

**Part II: Nightmares**

"It's alright. Really. In your position… I'd have done the exact same thing." The teal and purple mech took Roddy's hands, encompassing them with his own. Surprise flooded his face as his lips parted. "Thank you for coming back for me, risking so much. It means, well, everything. What'd I'd like, more than anything…" Roddy felt his chassis tighten as the other spoke, "is for us to be friends!"

"Dealer…" Nervousness flooded into his optics as he fought the urge to pull away. He never backed down from anything. Not even when Sunstreaker went on a rampage did Hot Rod flinch away. But as those fingers pressed into his, he internal shrunk away. "If… that's what you want."

The other smiled brightly as he pulled Roddy's hands closer to his chest. "It's more than I could ask for!"

All he wished for seemed to sweep away with the redemption he was questing for. No matter how much he wanted to be forgiven and start fresh, his spark refused to ease. Carefully pulling from that tight grasp, he smiled weakly and nodded. "All right."

"That's great, Hot Rod! Thank you so much!" The rescued mech made an attempt to grab his shoulder but he backed up a step with a regretful smile.

"I… need to catch you later, Dealer. I still have reports to file. They're setting me up a new team." Offering his apologies quickly, the other replied but he didn't catch the buoyant words. In fact, his optics strayed as he caught the silhouette of a familiar figure that had long been burned into his hard drive. "Please excuse me."

Quickly patting Dealer's shoulder, he took off down the street following the shadow through the crowds as the large form ducked around a corner. As he picked up his stride, he didn't even expect the strong hand grabbing his forearm and dragging before shoving Roddy into the wall. In the shadowed alley, he would have been ready to fight, if not for the beautiful aqua optics leaning close to him.

"Sunstreaker…" His name came out as a low hum of excitement as he drew in a rush of cool air. Spark pulsing vibrantly, he lifted a hand to touch Sunstreaker's cheek only to have his hand grabbed and pushed into the wall. "Ah… you're… You're supposed to be on a different base…"

"I heard you were here." Whispering those words coolly, Sunstreaker's fingers flexed over the joint of Roddy's hand and forearm. "Funny… I knew you got him back…" His fingers tightened with denting force as one fingertip caressed the palm of his hand. "But I didn't expect to find you so… close… to him."

Roddy's optics flared then dimmed at the slight sting of pain. "Sunny?"

"So. Is it guilt that's driving you to him? Or are you tired of me already?" Dry and angry were the only words he could use to describe Sunstreaker's voice.

"What?! Primus, Sunstreaker! What the frag are you talking about?" Defensive anger rose in his systems, optics narrowing. "You have a lot of nerve making stupid assumptions like that!"

The lines of tension lightened as Sunny's jaw as he ceased the hard clenching of dental plating. Roddy could hear him dragging air deeply through his vents before leaning down and resting his forehead on his shoulder. "I didn't like the way he was touching you."

Hot Rod's lips parted and his optic ridges furrowed as he felt warm air rush from the helm vents of his lover. "Sunny… I just needed to save him. I needed his forgiveness."

"You're such a masochist." Roddy allowed himself to smile at that comment before pulling his hands from the loosening grips and slowly slid the silver digits up along the black helm. "I left the base… hearing you were here."

"You could get in trouble for that."

"Only if they catch me." Lifting his head, he narrowed his optics sharply before pulling away. "I've been assigned to Prowl's unit. We're going to some ridiculous organic planet called earth."

"They're… staking you out…" Hot Rod felt his tank sinking as he realized what that meant. "Then…"

"I won't be seeing you for a very long time." Vibrant blue faded a shade as Sunstreaker completely released him. "Still pissed I bent the rules a little bit?" Sneering a bit, he turned his head and stared off at the busy street.

"No. What I want is you to drop the jealousy and look at me." Jaw set in determination, Hot Rod kept a steady gaze as Sunstreaker turned back to glare at him mildly. Slowly lifting a hand, he offered it to his lover waiting. The larger form shifted his weight from foot to foot before stepping closer and sliding his hand into Roddy's. Sending the yellow warrior a smile of approval, he turned his hand and tenderly laced their fingers together. "Come to my room with me?"

Giving a soft tug on Sunny's arm, he pulled him slowly in another direction. Sunstreaker hesitated at first before letting the other pull him. After the first few steps, Roddy felt relieved as the other finally followed closely. Almost close enough to press into his back as they walked. The overwhelming electricity in Sunstreaker's field sent excitement up his spinal unit. In all the vorns he'd been with the yellow warrior, he'd never felt Sunny so possessive and protective all at the same time.

For the first time in their time together, he didn't care who saw them walking toward the building his room was in. In fact, he would have let that field ripple over him and engulf him if Sunny tried. Stopping at his door, he fumbled with the key code and fought the urge to just smash it for giving him a buzz of denial.

Behind him, Sunstreaker chuckled and released his hand in order to curl both his hands about Hot Rod's hips. Nimble finger pushed between the chrome grills causing Roddy to gasp and suddenly press both palms against the wall to balance himself. "Sunny…"

"Still so sensitive after so many stellar cycles." Whispering dangerously close to his audio, Sunstreaker hooked his thumbs into the seam of his hip joints as he pressed his own body against the cavalier's back. "Try again, Roddy… before I take you right here… on lookers be damned."

"Ahh…" The low moan from his lips felt like a rolling vibration in his chest causing his optics to flicker. The friction of their fields against one another sent his processor racing as it interpreted the immense pour of data from his sensory net. "Please… Sunny…"

"Please? Are you asking me to take you in the hallway, beautiful?" Chuckling in deep amusement, Roddy could feel the sound through the sensitive plating of his spoiler against Sunstreaker's chest. It felt so pleasant and all consuming.

Smacking a fist into the keypad, it buzzed angrily at him before he finally tried again before Sunny pushed him further. After the third lightning fast try, the lock gave in and the door slid open. Tensing his arms to push away from the wall, he gave a sharp cry as he felt his body being lifted off his feet. Strong arms that always made him feel so safe now cradled his legs at the knee joint and his back just under the shoulders.

"Sunstreaker!" Calling out as his arms reflexively gripped the broad shoulders; he tipped his head back to stare at him with widened baby blue optics. His processor raced to remember if this had ever happened before only to come back negative.

The warrior strode into the room as though Roddy were no more than a small datapad in the hand. Sunstreaker's expression was placid and firm as he made for the berth in the Spartan room. Carefully placing Roddy on it, he climbed up over him and gazed down at him attentively. Hot Rod shivered as those optics moved along his body with enough intensity to feel the trails they made over plating and seams. It suddenly occurred to him what his lover was doing.

Systems hitching at the surge of pain, Hot Rod lifted a hand to cover his mouth to hold back the sound. Too little, too late, Sunstreaker heard and tipped his head to look into his face. Leaning closer, Sunny gently pulled his hand away from his mouth. Cradling the silver hand between both of his, Sunny straddled the slim red hips and sat back on his heels. Bending his torso with a hiss of hydraulics, he moved Hot Rod's fingertips over his lips before kissing each softly.

Hot Rod felt his spark wring in pain from the bittersweet beauty of how Sunstreaker tenderly slid his lips over each knuckle before pressing the palm to his lips and offlining his optics. The yellow warrior sighed as he whispered his lips over the sensitive palm. "I'm selfish and cruel to you."

"Don't talk like that." His vocalizer crackled through the words, his fingers curling to brush over Sunny's cheek. Sunstreaker was memorizing him before he would have to leave. For how long, he didn't know…

A small smile tugged at the handsome face as he leaned down again, one hand still twined about the silver hand. Resting his weight on the other near Hot Rod's helm, he slid the tip of his nose over Roddy's cheek before stopping when it brushed his nose. "If you could have anything, Hot Rod, what would it be."

Hissing a breath through clenched dental plating, the younger stared into that unusually placid face before shaking his head. "For the dream never to end."

One corner of Sunstreaker's lips rose in a smirk at his answer. In his processor, Roddy could hear the cynical response that was left unspoken. And it broke his spark knowing that Sunny held it back for him. Sunstreaker tipped his helm and softly pressed their lips together in a slow, memorizing kiss. Glossa pressing through his lips, he delved deeply into Roddy's mouth and purred.

The hand still in his grasp was guided down the graceful column of Sunny's neck before pressing it against his chest. Releasing it, the elder's hand moved to gently grip the curve of his side. Hot Rod felt the kneading fingertips through the sensitive red plating. Drawing from the kiss with a gasp, he felt like his world started to spin as Sunstreaker rolled them, switching their positions.

"Touch me… I want to watch you." The rich tone flowed over his audios like an intoxicating drug. Tipping his head to look into Sunstreaker's face, he couldn't help the small grin that swept impishly over his own visage.

Rearranging their legs so he could straddle Sunny's hips, he gave a low mewling sound as his lover's hands slid over his hips resting on them. Steadying his systems by kicking in his fans, he bent his form closer and slid his hands over Sunstreaker's chest. Cooing at the feeling of the glossy perfect finish, he pressed his face into the crook of his lover's neck. Sunny tipped his head back just enough as Hot Rod nipped and drew his glossa along sensitive wiring drawing a groan from his lover.

"Roddy…" Fingers flexed against his hips softly sending a shiver through him. But it was the sound of Sunny's voice that made him whimper. The hint of desperation reminded him of why his lover was acting so affectionate. Would they see each other again?

The hands on his hips swept up his sides before grazing along the edges of his spoiler. What felt so erotic, also felt soothing bringing him back into the moment. Rolling Sunny's main fuel line in his dental plating, he quivered at the moan it drew from his lover. Sunstreaker rarely gave him control. And rarer still, he never voiced the pleasure if he could help it.

For this reason, every single sound was committed to memory and burned deeply into his hard drive. Releasing the line from his mouth, he shifted over to one of the bolsters on Sunstreaker's shoulder. Drawing his glossa up the length, he felt the rock of hips pressing hard into his as Sunstreaker arched beneath him. Gorgeous. There was a reason Sunstreaker was a narcissist.

Smiling to himself at the thought, he turned his head and nipped at the fin nearest him. This earned a sharp gasp from the larger form. Preying further on the formation on the warrior's helm, he nuzzled into the vents and nipped at the ridges. Sunstreaker's body writhed under him bringing forth a groan from his lips as the friction between their bodies increased.

Scrambling over his waist, Sunny's hands sought out the panel on his torso with a sudden urgency. Roddy didn't fight him. Covering one of the yellow hands with his own, he tenderly guided it to his interface panel and pressed hard against it. "I'm right here, Sunny… I'm not leaving."

The tips of his fingers pressed and relaxed over the softer metal in a pawing fashion. The slow intimate contact sent thrills through him at the same time they sent an urgent sense of dread. Lifting his head slowly, his lips parted and his optics faded when the panel slid open. Meeting his lover's gaze, he felt like his spark was going to rip from his chest. He couldn't begin to fathom the sheer need and so much more in those optics as they searched his face.

"Sit up." Wordlessly, Roddy nodded his head and drew his body up to sit up straight. His lips remained parted as air circulated heatedly through his systems with each sweep of Sunny's fingertip over his port. Optic ridges rose and the color darkened to deep sapphire with each whimper than Sunstreaker pulled from him. "Roddy… touch yourself."

Optics flaring to life, he stared at his lover in shock. Self-conscious fear filled him at the mere thought but it vanished as his lover dipped his finger partially into his port ripping a cry from his lips. "Do it."

Shakily, Hot Rod moved his hands timidly up his thighs, tracing sensitive seams with a gasp. Turning his head off to the side, he didn't want to meet that gaze that seemed to be burning holes through his plating. Tentatively, he played his hands over his hips, sliding along the chrome grill before sweeping a hand along the structure of his codpiece with a low moan.

Shoulder's sunk forward as he pushes his own fingers up into the seam pinching at wires that made him whimper softly. It didn't take much to arouse his burning sensory net. Sunny had already pushed him beyond the point of no return. That was why he couldn't keep the sigh of need from his lips as his other hand slid along his chest plate.

In the haze of feeling, he arched hard and threw his head back when Sunny pushed his finger deep into his port making a false connection. "SUNSTREAKER!" The wreckless abandon in his cry left him shaking, spark pulse fluttering hard against his chassis.

"Primus you're perfect." Dimly lighting his optics, he barely caught that awed look in Caribbean blue before the rushing sensation of a cable being pressed into him interrupted. Like lightning, data shot through him from Sunstreaker flooding him with sensation and the echo of emotion.

Writhing above his lover, he hugs himself self-consciously letting out a longing cry. "Sunny! Please!" Panting and making soft needy noises, he sent his lover a pleading look, wanting to be close to him, touch him… complete the connection.

Sunstreaker's lips parted slowly before he reached up with one hand and gripped his spoiler causing Roddy to yelp sharply. Yanking him down against him, he snapped Roddy's cable into his own port at the same time. Metal crashed against metal as both moaned in unison. Limbs entangled about one another desperately as the need for friction over took them.

Overload hit them hard and simultaneously, their bodies grinding together with paint scraping force. But the whine of metal was drowned out by the cries that tore from their vocalizers. Sinking heavily to the berth as the euphoria ebbed in their overheated systems, Roddy felt like he was floating. Panting hard to relieve the heat in his internals, he felt his lover shift and weakly to hug him close.

"Sunny…"

"Just recharge, Roddy…" The soothing sound of his voice filled his processor and he purred in content. It didn't even take that long for his systems to cycle down and fall into recharge.

The sheer weighted bliss had encompassed him entirely, and when he started to come online the next morning. Hot Rod felt like nothing could bring him down. Stretching languidly on the berth, he slowly rolled and reached to his side only to find empty air.

Optics flared to life staring blankly at the empty space, his spark panging against his chest. Gone. Not since the first time they interfaced had Sunstreaker disappeared before morning. But he was gone.

Shifting slowly, the movement sent shocks of pain through him as a hand pressed over his mouth first before creeping up to cover his whole face. Systems hitching, they hiccupped softly as he argued internally not to react. Don't react. Just don't react.

-+-

"Get me to earth, Hot Rod, the sooner the better. You and I, well… we've got history!" Red optics flared as Dealer made his point and leaned close up to the screen. Hot Rod bowed his head a little, his processor distracted and a bit disgusted with the other at the moment.

"Um, yeah. Let me see what I can do. Right now… there's someplace I gotta be." Normally bright azure darkened to a deep sapphire as nimble fingers hit the kill command for the comm link cutting off the signal. His lips set hard in a thin line, tucking his arms over his chestplate with a deep brooding posture.

Optimus had called them out to earth as back up. Earth… the place where Sunstreaker was posted under Prowl's command. With zeal unmatched in his eager desire to throw himself into a project, he set his teams' course for earth without a second thought or a moment's hesitation. Just the thought of jumping into combat with the gleaming yellow warrior sent chills down his spinal unit.

But in the snowy countryside, he found the shining yellow armor missing in Prowl's unit. The downturn in his mood only managed to be kept at bay by the hope that Sunny was back on the base. Then he found out the truth, and it froze the energon in his fuel lines. Someone took his warrior away. An elaborate plot to whatever means and Sunstreaker was gone.

The pain ripped through him like a vice as he tried his best to look unfazed when Optimus asked him to go with Wheeljack to find Ironhide. What he really wanted… what he needed more than anything else, he couldn't have. Not yet.

Staring at the blank screen, he grimaced in distaste. The last memory of his lover burned starkly on his hard drive pushed him to running from Dealer like the plague. Sunstreaker never brought up how exclusive their relationship was. But Hot Rod wasn't deaf. Word got around fast in any barracks that Sunstreaker stayed in. And the biggest news for the vorns and stellar cycles they'd been together… was that Sunny wasn't playing the field anymore.

Turning on his heel, he marched from the communications room to find Wheeljack so they could head out. Maybe this time he wouldn't be looking for his lover, but that didn't mean he couldn't try to scan for him. Anything to appease his roaring processor and the void that grew bigger in his spark with each moment he did nothing. And the worse part was? No one knew, and couldn't know, how much he needed Sunstreaker back for his own sanity.

-+-

Staring down at the smoking heap on the ground at his feet, he marveled at the lack of remorse he felt. Yellow metal, scorched and dilapidated on the earth caused his lips to curl in distaste. That was _not_ Sunstreaker.

The first time his optics saw the parody of his lover, he'd felt his spark shudder in fear of how or what happened. But when he realized none were really his lover, he was all for putting them out of his misery. Wheeljack only held him at bay for a while, but now he wanted to know what was going on.

Whoever dared to disgrace his lover was going to pay for this. When they came to get him, he refused to go. Sending Wheeljack and Ironhide with his teammate, Hot Rod stayed on earth. It was better that way. This was purely for his own selfish reasons.

Kicking at the prone figure, he growled softly. "You're anything but Sunstreaker. You arrogant idiots… you may be using him to be one of us... to be him… But you'll never succeed."

Disgusting excuses for perfection. These headmasters didn't make the cut. But the thing that got under his plating the most… was knowing that they still had Sunny. Anger flared in his optics as he swept his foot harshly into the limp pile of slag sending pieces flying in all directions.

"When I find you, whoever you are, I'll put an end to this. You're going down." Glaring at the wreckage, he turned slowly and activated his transformation sequence. Hitting the accelerator, his tires spun and squealed against the pavement before launching him into motion.

Speeding down the highway, he brought up every scanner and bit of information he could. Nothing. Every road led to a dead end.

_Hang in there… I'll get there. Somehow…_

-+-

The flames could still be felt searing in the piping along his arms. Tingling with agony, he knew this was only a taste of how wrong he'd been. _Take emotion out of the picture… _Sunstreaker couldn't have been more correct when he'd told him once that he was far too emotional.

For so long he wanted to know who the traitor was. He'd wanted to kill the fragger with his own two hands. If only Sunstreaker could see him now as dim blue optics stared at the spherical Magnificence in his hands. Slumping over, his shoulders hung forward heavily, causing the ache of weakening joints to show with his posture.

"Sunny…" His spark begged him. No, it pleaded him to ask where his lover was. How easy it would be then. All the answers he'd found for Optimus, he'd queried out of duty… but to use it for himself was sheer self gain. In the end, saving Sunstreaker was for himself most of all.

"Last I checked… I wasn't called 'Sunny'." Shooting his head up sharply, his optics locked with the face of his best friend. Springer looked like he'd been to the pit and back, and yet he moved easily, jaw set tight causing lines to sharpen in his face.

"Sorry, Springer… Didn't know you hailed me." Internally wincing, he looked back at the Magnificence; he sat it down carefully with a certain amount of fear. Each day, the young Autobot talked out of turn a little more, giving away more information than he really wanted to.

"I think I got that. Care to explain or am I to make my own assumptions?" Springer's optics sharpened and dimmed, crossing his arms over his chest plate.

"What could you possibly assume, Springer?" Sending him a mild glare, the red mech leaned back in his chair and offlined his optics.

"That you went and got too close like you always do." Roddy knew that tone. Springer was a hair trigger away from finding Sunny himself and blowing his head off for potentially hurting his best friend.

"Lay off of him." The rise of protective anger flared as he snapped to attention.

"….. You love him. You idiot." Springer slowly lowered his head and rubbed at his helm. "I comm. your sorry aft cause of that double crossing piece of slag, Dealer… and I get you pining over the most self-centered being in the universe."

"Tracks is worse." The sound of his voice was pitiful and he knew it. But at the moment, that was the best comeback he had to offer.

"Because being number two in that category is so much better." Sarcasm dripped from his lips as Springer glared at Roddy.

"Shut up!" Hot Rod's lips curled at the corners in anger, his dental plating grit together hard with squealing protest. "You don't know anything about him!"

Silence fell between them and a sense of shame flooded into his spark. Turning his head away, he couldn't look into the piercing gaze of the Wrecker leader. Finally after it drug on unbearably, Springer broke the silence. "What are you waiting for then?"

"What?" Jerking his form up with a hiss of hydraulics, his optics flared.

"Why are you sitting there? That's not like you." Springer's optic ridges furrowed and knit together. "Shouldn't you be on earth?"

Lips parting, Roddy felt his spark throb in his chest as he looked at his friend's quiet expression. "I don't know where he is."

"Find him. Stop being stupid. What happened to that impulsive brat that would get himself slagged for what he loved and believed in? You're disappointing me." A slow, easy smirk touched his lips. "If you keep wallowing instead of acting… it will only be harder to find him."

"Springer…"

"I need to get fixed. So get off your aft." Icy optics narrowed before he spoke again. "Springer out."

The screen went black leaving him once more to feel utterly alone. Turning his optics to the Magnificence, he felt his vents open wide to allow a rush of cold air to pour over his systems. Just one question. All he needed to know lie in one question needing to be asked.

Every moment he waited, gave whoever had his lover that much more time to destroy the mech he had learned to need so badly. Springer was right. Hot Rod was irrevocably in love with Sunstreaker. He'd long hit that point of no return. It just took another to point it out with the equivalent of a slap in the face.

And that slap still stung all the way into his spark. Astroseconds rang in his processor so loudly it ached. Fingers twitching upon the joint of his knees, he couldn't look away from the alluring object that begged him to use it.

Slowly he edged closer, fingers timidly flexing outward to graze the surface of the Magnificence only to jerk away. Steadying the rushing pulse of his spark, he hardened his resolve and picked up the object that his conscience warned him to put back. Reason and logic evaded him and the spark took over.

Caressing it in a pleading manner, he lifted it close, resting his forehead on the Magnificence. Dimming optics looked at its surface before he whispered those damning words against the artifact.

"Where is Sunstreaker?"

-+-

"_Need a hand? Or… maybe a foot?!"_

"_Wh--? No!"_

"_Relax, Hot Rod… I'm the real deal. Well, more or less. Anyway, thanks. You've given me the opening I was looking for. Find yourself somewhere to hole up. I'll be back for you once I… eh?"_

"_Wait. You can't do this alone. It's not just Scorponok – he's got an army in there!"_

"_I know. That's the whole point. Once I'm in… it's a case of lost in a crowd."_

"_Dammit. Listen to me, Sunstreaker. We need help… Heavy-hitters."_

"_Fine. Whatever. Call in the calvary. But – here, now – I'm going to find my head. My real head!"_

"_The arrogant, ignorant, insufferable… Ah. What's the point? We need muscle – raw, potent, piledriving power. And I know just where to get it."_

He'd left him there. Without looking back, the fragger walked away from him leaving him in shambles. For all the feelings he held for the eccentric over inflated egotist, right now he didn't know if he wanted to hug or knock the slag out of his lover. Drawing in air was a hard enough ordeal for him to endure much less the ache panging in his spark. Why?

Lying in that cold bin, he wired every last piece of his systems into calling for help. Help to save that slagger's sorry aft. Hot Rod believed in Sunstreaker and all of his abilities as a warrior, but not enough to think he could take on the force that had practically slaughtered him on his attempt to rescue the other.

Some rescue that turned out to be. In the end, he was the one needing to be rescued and not his lover. Tipping his head back to the sky as the toll of all the fighting and scrapping he'd taken attempted to set in. He refused to give in just yet. Not when he got this close. He was slaggin' certain that he and Sunstreaker were going to get out of this… They had to.

Clutching a hand to his busted up chest, he felt his tank give a nasty turn wanting to purge his systems of everything it could. Sunny didn't walk away from him without a reason… what did he mean by real head? The sheer agony of what that implicated made his processor spin. What had Scorponok and those humans done to Sunstreaker?

Gasping as a hiccup tore through his systems, Hot Rod's haphazard optics dimmed. Slowly gripping the edges of the cart, he hoisted himself out. How could they leave Sunstreaker? How could Prowl's unit treat him like he was so little? Hot Rod learned to care about all life early in his own… but right now, he held no pity for any of the humans that worked for Machination.

Burn them all.

With a sickening squeal of metal, he fell over the lip of the cart. Clawing his way up the edge, that fiery desire in him refused to quit. Grimlock would come back. And he would be there to meet him before going to save Sunstreaker from himself… or whoever was in his processor.

The Dynobots were all he needed… even if more help would have been preferable. Whatever desire Wheeljack tried to push off on him to not kill the life forms here disappeared more and more as he imagined what Sunstreaker was feeling…

Let them all burn.

-+-

_"I know. You're smart to cut and run, Slag. Smarter than me! I let this get personal!"_

Hot Rod remembered everything they said. All the talk around him would be forever etched into his being. Not just his processor or his harddrive, but into his very spark. He'd let it get this way. It got personal. Just like he told Slag when he wanted to just collapse in a heap of scrap metal. Instead he'd hobbled inside that complex to reap his own brand of revenge on Scorponok for what he'd done.

"Is he alive?" Hot Rod barely turned his head to look at the human turned half machine as he asked that question. A certain sense of loathing rose in his systems as he drew his optics up to his lover in the CR chamber.

"He is. Badly traumatized and in need of a lot of CR time, but he'll mend." Some wounds didn't heal Ratchet. Clutching his hands into fists, it took everything in his systems to not show the ache on his face. "Though physically separated, Sunstreaker's spark sustained him…"

Clinical. Medics were all so clinical. Ratchet rightfully held the title of best medic in the Autobot forces. But right now, he wanted to shake the doctor for making it all sound so scientific rather than let emotion touch his tone.

"And me? Am I --? Are we --?" The red mech set his jaw tightly, the frown deeply etching on his face as he glanced at Hunter from the corner of his optics. This alone was why he found he hated Hunter the most.

"Well, I've been able to damp down the positronic feed so you don't keep thinking his thoughts, but… I simply don't know enough about the technology to risk removing your implants." Ratchet sounded so apologetic for the human. And it made him feel ill. This was why he wanted to just shove the ridiculous human out of the room.

"Strange. It's like; half of me is… missing. I'm… not even sure who I am anymore." Roddy's systems recoiled and he instantly shut down his audios. Being one with another, feeling their thoughts and knowing all about them… that was being bonded. Without even trying, Hunter had been bonded to Sunstreaker and he hated him for it.

Bonding remained a dream. A wish for something to tie him to Sunstreaker. Some way, anyway to comfort the one that always pushed him when he wanted to give up. Be it with teasing or irritating, Sunny never gave up on him. How annoying it must've been for the yellow mech that hated anything troublesome.

Motion sensors showed the others in the room moving. Ratchet and Ironhide were now talking quietly together as the humans clung to their returned friend. And from the heavy shifting behind him, Prime was moving to them as well. That left only one towering above him.

The cautious touch to his shoulder made him bring his audio receptors back online as he caught the end of Magnus question. "…all right?"

Turning his head up to gaze at the commander, he found the expression solemn and unreadable. "Excuse me, sir? I was lost in thought."

"I asked if you were all right." Magnus optic ridges pulled together in tight lines making his features that much more impressive. Hot Rod figured that he could make the strongest Decepticon falter with a look alone.

"Yeah. The CR time and Ratchet made me as good as new." Pasting on a cheeky grin, he tried not to notice the disbelieving gaze.

"Hm." That solitary tone told him that Magnus wasn't pleased with his dodge of the matter. Turning his head, the large mech stared at Sunstreaker in the CR chamber almost as though trying to analyze him for something more than his status. "You should hail Springer. He asked about you when I left for earth."

"Yes sir." The smile faded away as he also looked at the tank.

"If Optimus asks, tell him I will be preparing for departure with those in my custody." Turning easily on his heel, Magnus moved for the door.

"Ultra Magnus, sir.." The elder stopped and looked back over his shoulder waiting. "Tell Grimlock… thanks for me."

With a sharp nod, Magnus soon disappeared through the door. Watching the large back disappear, he noted that Prime soon followed after him. Once more blocking out the sound of the humans, Ironhide, and Ratchet, he tipped his head back to look at the prone figure in the chamber.

It took all of him not to move closer and press his hand to the glass. His systems gave a sharp whine as he felt his optics tracing Sunny's face. Spark tightening and twisting in his chest, he took a step closer. The sight of Sunny's form in Scorponok's lab wouldn't leave him. It hovered like a horrifying still picture in his processor. Tracing the seams in Sunstreaker's cheek with his gaze, he felt his tank churn as he recalled the awkward hang of the jaw before and the sheer agony in the furrowing of his optic ridges. He couldn't even fathom the pain and degradation of the most beautiful mech he'd ever laid optics on…

Moving another step closer, he reached out, his ridges furrowing over darkening optics. Barely ghosting his fingertips to the glass, his lips parted as air forced its way out through is mouth. Stinging pain ran into his optics as energon began to build up there.

_I'm sorry... I'm so sorry… Sunstreaker._

As his palm met the cool glass, he furrowed his brow as the emotion crawled up his throat. It took him a while to even hear the sound of a small voice calling up to him. "Hot Rod? Hey?"

Slowly turning his head, he stared straight through Hunter and suddenly furrowed his brow in an irritated scowl. "Yeah, Hunter?"

"When we saw you… he… we… Ah… I'd been able to you know… feel and see everything he thought. But… it was like hitting a brick wall." Hunter looked exceptionally nervous as he looked away from Hot Rod to stare at the floor. Hot Rod slowly arched an optic ridge waiting for him to go on. "Well… the only thing I got… was that he had… this crazy mix of anger and… happiness? From just seeing you. But then he just shut me down from understanding anything else… Are you two… you know…?"

Hot Rod's gaze narrowed a touch before looking away. Snapping his optics up to the mech he loved, he drew his hand away. "I don't think it's any of your business. Obviously… if he wanted you to stay out of his feelings, you don't need to know."

His tone, surprisingly calm in comparison to the flare of jealousy, stayed soft. Hunter seemed to look more than uncomfortable, but he couldn't find it in him to feel sorry for him. "You should go enjoy your friends."

"Hot Rod?"

"Look… what I am to Sunstreaker, is something between he and I. And you'd do well to drop the subject if you care about him at all." Sighing, he slowly turned away moving for the door. He'd just have to come back later when the humans weren't there.

"Hey Hunter, you ok?" He could hear the female as she ran to the former headmaster. In a way, the jealousy never ended. Hot Rod couldn't run up and hug Sunstreaker in relief. He couldn't stay there pressed to the glass like a forlorn puppy waiting for his lover to wake up. No, they never let it show. And for all he knew, Sunstreaker preferred it that way.

Gazing back over his shoulder, he looked at the yellow mech once more as he leaned against the door frame. Immaculate beauty incased in glass. And his spark almost wished… Sunstreaker wouldn't have to ever wake up.

-+-


	3. Reality

**Title:** Making Dreams into Nightmares

**Series:** IDW

**Pairing:** Sunstreaker/Hot Rod

**Rating:** R to sorta NC-17

**Spoilers:** All Hail Megatron (Mainly issues 7 & 8)

**Warnings:** There is mostly angst and bitter sweetness in this part. This part will contain a death of a character… Unfortunately… T_T Curse you IDW…

**Notes:** This was originally to be a one-shot. It turned into three. Also, brackets [[ ]] stand for flashbacks. Single quotes are personal comms… this is only used once. Also… I originally wrote this to have a worse ending. But I was talked out of that. So… super angst was downsized to medium angst. –Sweatdrops-

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Transformers. And this story line belongs to IDW. For all their angst, I borrowed it to feed my own silly desires.

**Summary:** Sunstreaker can't have what he wants most and Hot Rod is honest to a fault with terrible luck on his side. And sometimes, that's all it takes to bring two people together. In an attempt to overlook what is hurting them on the inside, they find they are getting more than they bargained for.

**Part III: Reality**

"Of all the irritating… stubborn… Primus what am I going to do with him?!" Hot Rod stopped in the door to medbay listening to Ratchet while he hunched over his work station holding his helm in his hands.

"Ratchet?" Stepping in quietly, he gazed to the CR chamber and frowned to find it empty. Not that he expected to be told anything. No one would have told him. No one even knew about his attachment to Sunstreaker.

The medic straightened and looked over his shoulder. Laughing a bit nervously, Ratchet turned and moved across the room to where he stood. "Hello, Hot Rod. Any complications with the repairs?"

"No, sir. I was actually…" He trailed off before admitting his purpose. When he found Sunstreaker, what would he say? What could he say that would matter?

"I see. If you're looking for Sunstreaker…" Ratchet sighed heavily and looked off to the side. "I tried to get him to see Hunter. I know what he went through must have been the Pit incarnate… But… they went through so much together…"

Hot Rod stiffened at this and looked away. "Oh. Bet that didn't sit well with Hunter."

"I'm actually nervous to tell him. I know Sunstreaker is pretty stubborn… I just thought he'd at least try a little for Hunter. Instead he won't say anything. In fact he barely moves." Shaking his head sadly, Ratchet leaned back against his station tipping his head back. "I can't move mountains. All I can do is repair him. I don't… know how he'll make it out of this."

Lowering his head, Roddy felt those claws of pain clutching at his spark like an eclipse. How? How could he survive this? Slowly turning, he moved to leave the room. Ratchet called after him, but he just sent him a stale smile and went on. Wandering aimlessly down the halls, his form felt heavier with each footstep.

Simply letting go of his sense of direction, he let his body move of its own accord. That's how he always found Sunstreaker. After stellar cycles, a gravitational pull seemed to build between them. And right then, he felt his systems growing colder with each stride he made. Stopping in a darkened doorway, his head lifted for the first time to look in the room. Finding the shadowed form sitting in the dark, he stepped in. Sunstreaker was hunched forward, head bowed low toward his knees. For all the world, the warrior looked like he wasn't even online.

Moving closer with slow steps, he paused to close the door surrounded them both in a lightless tomb with only their optics giving off a glow. Stepping carefully toward the other, he saw the slight change in the lighting of his lover's optics as they switched to night vision mode. Stopping in front of the elder, he stared down at him in utter silence. Sunstreaker didn't move.

As the time ticked by, Roddy finally spoke softly wanting so desperately to revive Sunny out of the brokenness. "I wasn't fast enough…"

Sunstreaker's joints stiffened with a soft squeal before he slowly lifted his head. Pale aqua met Roddy's optics, and he felt his tank roll in sickened sadness for the emptiness he saw there.

"No matter… how hard I tried…" His vocalizer caught and cracked as he tried. Tried with all his might just to let his lover know how much it hurt. How much he wanted to take it all away to give his lover that reprieve. Shifting, he moved a hand to press it over his face. A low whine emitted from his vocalizer this time as he spoke. "I just couldn't get to you… I couldn't find you!"

Crying out sharply as hands suddenly pressed into his hips, Roddy pulled the hand from his face and looked into his lover's optics. The swirl of darkened shades in the pale light made him want to cry in despair. Sunstreaker simply tightened his fingers on his hips before speaking lowly. "Idiot. You should have stayed out of it."

"You fragger! How can you say that?!" Hot Rod felt himself rip out of Sunny's hands as the emotion erupted. "No! You aren't doing this to me! You can't just tell me to go away and leave me in pieces on the ground like you did last time!"

Sunstreaker sneered, his lips curling at the corners of his mouth baring his dental plating. "You dumb aft! You should have stayed out of it and you wouldn't have been in that mangled state to begin with! Stop thinking you can save the world! You stupid fragger! You're made of two parts emotion with only a half part intelligence to the other half common sense!" Hot Rod took a step back as the other roared at him balling his hands into fists so hard that metal squealed and bent. "Did it ever occur to you that I didn't want you… YOU of all people to see me like that?!"

Roddy froze, the angry retort dying on his lips. The anger subsided fast causing his shoulders to slump forward in defeat. In a way, he was happy. Happy that Sunstreaker wasn't completely gone. "I couldn't let them keep doing that to you…"

"I don't want to talk about it." Sunny ground the words out through clenched plating as he turned his head away in anger. "I want it to never be mentioned again. I never want to be reminded of that Pit I was in!"

Shuddering from the wave of emotion, he wanted to laugh bitterly at the accuracy of Sunstreaker's description of himself. But then… without the emotion, he couldn't have found it in him to love Sunstreaker like he did. One sided or not, Roddy couldn't let him go. Stepping forward, he dropped to his knees with a loud clang between Sunny's legs searching out his optics. "Sunstreaker…"

"Don't look at me like that… I hate it when you look at me like that." The parting of Roddy's lips and the slight widening of his optics forced the yellow mech to wince after saying those words. Carefully, as though at any moment Roddy would break under his hands, he slid them over his face. "Please… stop. Keep screaming… just don't look at me like that…"

Roddy's systems hiccupped from the sadness ravaging his circuits and his spark with suffocating force. "I'm sorry…" Always the open book of emotion for his lover… even when he knew how much it hurt the elder. Drawing air through his intakes, he tried desperately to smooth out the torrent of pain in his face.

Sunny's fingers swept up the seams of his cheek and hovered beneath the optic that Scorponok had shattered. Lips parted as Sunny's face rippled with tension, tightening then softening as he reached out with the other hand to touch his spoiler where it had been twisted and mangled before. Hot Rod felt his spark flutter as his lover's fingers moved from under his optic to caress the corner of his jaw where it had been broken from its hinge. "Roddy…"

"Yes?" The gusty sound from his vocalizer barely made a full sound as he pulled away from the mesmerized state Sunny had plunged him into.

"I cut it… I completely cut him out." Sunny's brows angled inward and down as his optics narrowed and flickered in pain.

Hot Rod stared at him, mouth gaping in shock. "Wh-what?!"

"I lost myself… more and more. I wasn't me anymore…" Sunny's voice strained as he curled his fingers about Roddy's helm almost desperately. "I didn't want him to hurt… I couldn't let him feel me… not like that…"

Slowly, he lowered his head in those strong hands, and stared at the floor. The war in his processor felt like it was going to rip him in two. One side wanted to comfort his lover… wanted to hold him close for the complete loss of his twin. But the other hurt with all the icy darkness of despair knowing that he would always be second best. No matter if he ran to the rescue… no matter if he loved him with all his might. Sideswipe would always be first and foremost in Sunstreaker's processor.

Putting his processor into freeze frame, he moved to look at his lover with wide optics fighting with all his might to keep his emotions from his gaze. Reaching up with shaking hands, he barely touched Sunny's face. "You… did what you had to… I'm… sure he'd understand when he finds out… when he knows why…"

"I'm never going to tell him. And neither are you." Sunny's gaze hardened as he slid his hands to Roddy's shoulders shaking him softly. "Don't you EVER tell him."

Catching his hands on Sunny's forearms, the surprise in his optics didn't fade even when the other stopped shaking him. "Ok…"

"Good…" Letting Roddy go, Sunny leaned back against the wall dimming his optics. His joints seemed loose like a rag doll as he stared blankly at the ceiling. "So… when are you going to lecture me about that human?"

"I'm not going to." Hot Rod's voice left his vocalizer cold and hard without feeling causing the elder to lift his head and look at him curiously.

"Roddy?"

"Nothing. I'm never going to make you do something you don't want to do. That isn't how I work." Slowly, he shifted to rise to his feet. Between the sickening reminder of Sunny's love for his brother and that human… he wanted to get away. But when he tried to turn to walk away, Sunny's suddenly gripped his waist and pulled him close. His head tipped back as that beautiful visage pressed into his chest making his dermal plating tingle from the touch. "S-Sunny?"

"Just stop talking… Stay. Don't leave." Curling his arms tentatively about Roddy's waist, Sunstreaker pressed hard into his form making Roddy sigh from the demanding touches. "Don't say anything… just… don't leave."

Drawing air in sharply from the rush of feelings, he slowly nodded his head even though Sunstreaker couldn't see it. Hesitating a moment, he moved close and wrapped his arms about the other's helm and shoulders protectively. His optics dimmed as those yellow hands slid to the back of his knees and pulled him into Sunny's lap so he could straddle him.

Shifting, Sunstreaker pressed his face into Hot Rod's neck, his vents almost wheezing from the rush of air cycling through his systems. It broke his spark in ways unimaginable. Dipping his head down as Sunny moved to press his face into his shoulder; he kissed at the dark helm lovingly. A hand moved to brace Sunny's helm as Hot Rod offlined his optics. Maybe Sunny wouldn't ever love him back. But Roddy knew he would never stop loving him as long as his spark pulsed in his chest.

-+-

"But… sir?" Hot Rod's spark burned in his chest as he faced Optimus Prime who stood so rigidly before him just outside the bridge. "Am I not contributing to…"

"That's not the case, Hot Rod. Where you do go off on your own frequently, you are not in trouble."

"If I'm not in trouble, then why are you reassigning me?" Pain pulsed against his chest plates as he fought the urge to beg. Plead with the commander for the chance to stay here. Sunstreaker wasn't improving, but he knew he would be so much worse if he left him here alone… Here… with Sideswipe. "I want to be useful here."

"You can be useful to me elsewhere as well, Hot Rod. This was a request, and I would have thought you'd be honored by it." Prime's optics darkened as they narrowed. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

Hot Rod could hear the sound of his spark sinking. "No, sir. Who was requesting?"

"Kup. Springer is now under his command and they are building a new strike team. He wanted you along." The Autobot leader watched his soldier carefully, and Hot Rod knew that Prime knew of his omission. The piercing gaze of his commander made him want to just give up and spill all of his transgressions. "I was under the impression you and Springer were close."

"He's a good friend, sir. Yes… I'm honored Kup would request me specifically." His tone weakened as he nodded his head.

"You'll leave to make rendezvous tomorrow early. Prepare and rest." Hot Rod stood at attention and nodded his head at the short orders feeling something prickle at his senses. Prime gave a nod before turning and heading back into the bridge. When the door hissed upon closing, Hot Rod slowly turned his head to find the source of that sensation. Finding his optics locked with washed out aqua, his shoulders began to sink.

For the longest moment, they never broke the gaze until the sound of footsteps disrupted the silence. Sunstreaker shifted, one hand extending to him even though his face never changed from that blank neutrality. Regardless, he found himself slipping his hand into the stronger before being pulled down the hall. Grazing his optics over the broad back, he wanted to touch his lover and simply feel him, but he refrained. Sunstreaker became the picture of tightened repose ever since he'd woken in medbay… and only on occasion had he managed to work it out of the mech's joints when allowed to touch.

When motion stopped, he turned his head to see his lover opening the door to his quarters before pulling him inside. The hand around his released him and soon he felt a cold sense of bereft loneliness. Lowering his helm, he didn't know what to say. Each time they came into contact, he found he ran low on things to ask about.

Optics flared as he felt strong digits slip under his chin and easily lift his head until their gazes met once more. Sunstreaker's optics darkened a shade as the pad of his thumb slid over Roddy's jaw. "You're leaving again…"

"Yeah…" It should have been exciting. An invitation to work with Springer and Kup of all Cybertronians had been something he'd wanted all his life. But now, standing there in front of Sunstreaker, feeling the weight of that gaze, he didn't want to leave. "I don't…"

The feeling of lips pressed into his, enveloping and caressing in a kiss full of so much need and gentleness silenced him. Pliable metal melded together sensually before the blunt edge of dental plating pressed into his lower lips causing him to gasp. Deft yellow fingers slid around to the back of his neck and softly threaded into the wiring there causing his vents to hiss a sigh of warm air. For all the sweet tenderness he knew Sunstreaker capable of, this was different. This felt all encompassing and nearly timid of breaking him. This was desperation. Sunny released the kiss, and slowly trailed butterfly kisses along the corner of his lips before speaking softly. "I know…" Lips lingered against his cheek seam and sent shivers down Roddy's spinal unit before they swept against him as Sunny whispered, "Make me forget."

Barely spoken words ripped through him like fire burning at his optics and caused him to groan with so much pain in his vocalizer. Offlining his optics, he finally gave a small affirming nod. "Anything…"

Something must have gotten to the warrior as his lips slowly turned up against his cheek in a soft smile. "Anything…" Echoing Roddy's words, the younger felt like his world turning upside down as Sunny's lips pulled away and he felt his body being lifted. Tipping his head just enough to gaze at Sunstreaker under the edge of his helm, his lips parted in a soft gasp as he was set on the other's berth. Sunny leaned down and slid their noses together slowly, optics dimming when their lips caressed but didn't finish the kiss.

For a fleeting moment, as his arms remained curled about his lover's neck, he felt something so overwhelmingly amazing and yet spark breaking all at the same time. "Sunstreaker…" The yellow mech smiled just barely and had he been anyone else, it would have been missed. Love. Hot Rod couldn't call it anything else. He loved Sunstreaker so much… and as their lips met again in that slow processor numbing kiss, energon pooled in his optics but didn't fall.

Sunstreaker gave a small chuckle as he kissed up the young cavalier's cheek only to brush his lips over one of Roddy's optics. "Why?"

"For you…" He felt his body ache. "For me." What else could he say? To say more would ruin everything… because unrequited and still being close was better than being shoved away.

Sunstreaker's body gave a low tremor before he silently moved on to kiss at his other optic. "Always so dramatic…"

Hot Rod gave a small choked laugh before he found his lips claimed again while strong legs moved to cage his hips. His spark wrung tightly in his chest, he curled his arms about his lover holding onto him possessively. Hands slid over Hot Rod's body, slower than usual as though taking in every detail… as though… for the first time… saying goodbye.

-+-

"Hey Hot Rod…"

"Don't have time Hunter." Tone more snappish than usual, Hot Rod moved fast to throw his gear on the shuttle. He had to leave before he lost all nerve again. And Primus knew… he didn't want to talk to Hunter.

"Please! I need to tell you something!" The small human rushed after him looking utterly frustrated as he tried to make Hot Rod listen. Moving to a console, he did his routine check out for the ship's log and started marching for the shuttle for the last time.

"Go back to your humans, ok? I need to leave." Furrowing his brow, he was about to step on board when the next words froze him in place.

"Please! I need to tell you something about Sunstreaker… he's…"

"No!" Whirling around, more anger than necessary boiled up in his optics as he leaned down over the suddenly backing away human. "No. You don't have the right to talk to me about him. And whatever you know? Keep it to yourself. Keep it all to yourself…" The supreme rush of jealousy overtook him as he watched Hunter slump a little.

"Roddy…" Trying one last time, Hunter jumped when Hot Rod snapped once more.

"Don't call me that." Not waiting for another word, he moved into the shuttle and shut the door. Curling his hands into fists, he lowered his head before slowly collapsing to the floor. The feeling of Sunstreaker pressed into him, holding on so tightly still fresh in his processor as he hugged himself.

That night had been amazing. Bittersweet. And for the first time since they started their relationship… he was the one to leave before Sunstreaker woke up.

-+-

Silver fingers rapped against the table top just barely touching to keep the impact soft. Normally vibrant optics were darkened and barely showed any hint of luminous blue. Music played, filling the air from a small player fashioned after the ones he'd seen on earth. The only thing he'd taken from that Primus forsaken planet lie in that little player as it drowned out his thoughts with songs he'd collected there. Drowned out, or drowned him in his thoughts? He didn't want to answer that..

_But I don't care what they say… I'm in love with you… They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth… My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing…_

Furrowing his brow, his body slumped forward next to the player, his arms crossing on the table to pillow his forehead. When did he become such a masochist? Right… he'd always been one. Smiling in self deprecation, the cavalier let a long sigh from his vents. The common room was luckily empty so no one could see his bout of self-pity. Being in his own room though, left him hollow. Sleeping in a berth only served to make him an insomniac and play backs of memories he'd rather forget… such as Machination and the look in his lover's optics the day before he had to leave.

_But nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace… And in this world of loneliness I see your face… Yet everyone around me thinks I'm going crazy, maybe… Maybe._

Rolling his head a little, he stared at the device and fought the urge to reach out and slam his fist down on top of it. Yes, definitely a masochist. Offlining his optics, he didn't hear the soft footsteps that blended in with the beat of the music.

"Hot Rod?" The soft accent to that voice pegged the scientist instantly. Lifting his head, he looked at the surprisingly blank expression. The only hint of emotion in Perceptor's face was the slight furrow of the one brow that was still visible. Sliding his gaze to the eyepiece, he recalled Springer mentioning the mission that had instigated the scientist to create it. Springer didn't like the change, and that fact stood out blatantly obvious with the tone he used to tell the story.

"Hey, Percy." Smiling softly, he pushed himself up and hit the kill switch on the player. "Sorry. You can sit, didn't mean to take over the common room."

Perceptor watched him quizzically before moving to sit across from him with a cube of energon set on the table. The scientist's dark fingers slid softly over the edges, optics focused on it with resolute determination. For a moment, Hot Rod felt like the other wanted to disappear into the back ground. The image was such a contrast to what he remembered of the Chief Science Officer. Perceptor was the type that would ask about everything and tell you more than you needed to know. The chatty Autobot was charming in his own right even though most stopped him and berated him for talking above them. Part of him missed that. Gaze once more drifting to the eyepiece; he recalled that Springer said that dynamic change in the scientist's personality came at the same time. It seemed this war was destroying even those that weren't on the frontlines.

"You've been in here… frequently." Perceptor's voice broke his reverie, and he tilted his head.

"Yeah… I guess." Lowering his gaze, he dimmed his optics again.

"I see." His companion silenced after those words, the soft scrape of delicate nimble fingertips against the cube was the only remaining sound.

"Hey Percy… you know… even though Wreckers are tough and all… you still need to be you, ya know? Kinda miss that…" Roddy never knew when to stay quiet… Perceptor was no exception. Besides, it kept the focus off of him and his strange habit of sleeping in the common room.

The sudden screech of fingertips against transparent aluminum forced him to lift his head. Watching the scientist, he felt his spark ache at how the other stared hard at the cube as though the contents could get him out of this situation. "Easy, Percy… I didn't mean to upset you.."

"No… it's fine. I'll keep that in mind." Easing his grip on the cube he'd not touched, he lifted a piercing gaze that caused Hot Rod to straighten. "The music… does it reflect you?"

"I… Uh…" His back was straight as a board now as he looked anywhere but at the scientist. Why did he have to be such an open book with his emotions?

"Does the object of your affections know? Or… is that why you've been recharging in here?" Why did Perceptor's finer accented speech… something he used to enjoy, have to cut so deep now?

"No…"

If Perceptor had meant to answer, nothing came as the hiss of hydraulics barely noticeable caused Roddy to look at his companion. Only, Perceptor wasn't looking at him. Turning his body, he caught sight of the pristine white armor of their newest recruit. Drift always moved in a way that he never heard him coming. In fact… now that he thought about it, Drift was never far from where ever the scientist was.

Drift nodded to both of them before moving to the energon dispenser to get his ration. For a moment, Hot Rod wanted to get up and simply hug him for causing Perceptor to focus his attention elsewhere. With that solemn silence the scientist seemed to hide in, came much more perception into the actions of others around him. It made his plating crawl in a way.

"Drift…" The simple sound of the swordsman's name from Perceptor's vocalizer caused him to stare a moment. Where it only represented a greeting… the change in tone held so much more. Watching, Drift smile in that serene way in return, Hot Rod furrowed his brow and went back to staring at the table. Sometimes, he just didn't want to be involved or try to figure anything out. But as he dimmed his optics, the soft accented tone caused his optics to brighten and his spark to clutch painfully. "You should tell him, Hot Rod. Or… you'll find regret hurts far more."

-+-

Lines pumped fuel furiously, rushing as fast as the pulse of his spark in his chest. Since the moment Cliffjumper and Ironhide brought him to Prime's unit… the surge of excitement hadn't stopped. Smiling to himself as he ran his transformation process, he stretched in gratitude to Kup's suggestion for a short break. Glancing about the crowd of mechs, he searched out the optics of his lover. Finding hues of aqua, he felt the air ripped from his ventilation system.

_You should tell him, Hot Rod. Or… you'll find regret hurts far more._

Those words replayed through his mind for cycle upon cycle apart from his lover. He never could bring himself to comm. his lover. The idea just didn't set well with him. If Sunstreaker was going to turn him down, he slaggin' well better do it in person.

Pulling in a long gust of the stale Cybertron air, he tipped his head a little to the side. In their time together, they'd developed little gestures to talk without ever speaking in public. And right now, he wanted Sunstreaker to follow him. The warrior stared at him a long moment, the hardened lines of his face deepening as he tightened his jaw. For a moment, he thought Sunny wouldn't agree… but the yellow mech gave the faintest nod.

Instantly turning on his heel, he moved for a dilapidated building that still seemed to have all four walls mostly standing. None of the bots even noticed that he was wandering off or that after a long moment, Sunstreaker turned to follow. His body was so in tune to everything the other did even after an earth year apart.

Slipping inside and retreating to the shadows at the back of the building, he turned to watch the door. Trepidation grew in his chest causing his spark to pulse hard and nearly twist in a manner that made his tank want to purge what little contents he had left in it. No matter how resolute he was to get it out… it seemed now it only made him want to run away. Shaking his head, he demanded his body to stay calm. He'd never run before, and he wouldn't run now. Straightening, he turned his head to look at the approaching form of his lover only to feel his spark sink.

Not far behind him, was none other than his lover's twin. Sideswipe was following in his wake like a magnet resolutely. Roddy felt his shoulder's sink in defeat and slowly be moved to hop over a break in the wall and sink down behind it dimming his optics. Lowering his forehead against his knees, his arms moved to hug his legs just tight enough where he formed a ball, but he didn't make a sound. So much for finally finding the nerve to tell him…

"We need to talk." He could hear the almost identical shuffle of feet behind him as they came to a halt. Sideswipe broke the silence first only to be cut off by the irritated voice of his lover.

"Is _that_ what we need? Because _I _think we need you to stop _following_ me around." Hot Rod could hear the sneer in Sunstreaker's voice. The absolute grating of sound from his vocalizer sent a chill up Roddy's spine even when Sideswipe hurried to interrupt his brother.

"I just want you to listen-"

"Leave me alone Sideswipe." Hot Rod found himself halting all air flow in his systems, praying to Primus that the red warrior would listen… but it seemed Primus never did listen to him anyway.

"I've been trying to find the right time. I want to talk to-" The pleading sound in Sideswipe's voice caused his spark to stutter over a pulse. In all his time with Sunstreaker, the only thing other than Hunter that he'd learned to fear was Sideswipe when it came to his lover. And right about now… he wished he wasn't there to hear any of this. Because ignorance was bliss...

Quiely shifting, he moved his hands to press over his audios while neatly bending his body even more until his head nearly wedged between his knees. Little bits and pieces of their conversation bled through by vibration on metal as his processor screamed for air to ventilate overheating systems. He should turn off his audios… but his aching spark was torn between wanting to turn them off and listen.

"What they did to you… I can't imagine what it was like." As that one line hit him, Hot Rod had to fight himself not to choke on the sweeping desire to purge. Sideswipe didn't have a clue to the pain… he'd not seen it… not felt the agony pouring off of Sunstreaker even when he stood so tall sharing his mind and body with that human. As Sideswipe tried to reason out how it must have felt, Hot Rod tried to drown him out. And just when he was about to turn his audios off, he felt the anger rippling from his lover as he cut him off.

"No! You don't get to do this! This has _nothing_ to do with any of this. This has _nothing_ to do with now. I _told _you—I told _all_ of you—I never wanted to talk about that again. I _told_ you. What they did… don't ever bring this up again. _Ever!_" The sheer pain, the agony that ripped through him with each word, sent Hot Rod's spark reeling. Burning sadness shot from his chest into his optics and he felt the gathering of energon as it sheen over the light blue glass.

All of the pain he felt coiled up in his chest so tightly, forced him to roll as quickly as he could to his side and purge the contents of his tank onto the floor. Staring blankly at the sickly deep hues of partially processed energon, he offlined his optics and hugged himself about his chest. The memories of that place… of seeing the mangled head of his lover caused him to shake, and had he not overrode his vocalizer he would have given a groan as he tried to fight back the wave of sickness.

In one fell swoop, the realization ran through him like a systemic virus. Things weren't ever going to be like they were. Pushing up from the ground, his limbs shook from the drain of energy that rolled through his systems. Sunstreaker was gone. All chances of telling him how he felt were gone.

Sideswipe effectively shot him down without even trying.

-+-

When the waves of nausea passed, he'd drug himself up onto his feet only to sit near the scientist gone sniper. Picking at rubble on the perch, he softly flicked them off the edge and watched them trickle to the ground then tumble over the ground. Everything inside felt emptied out and lost. It felt like the atmosphere was closing in on him and crushing the ventilation system. Tipping his head to look at his foot, he tried to shake off a pebble that had landed on it idly.

"You're fidgeting."

Turning his head, he looked at the normally silent sniper and allowed his optic ridges to rise a bit. He attempted a smile, but the look on Perceptor's stoic face told him he wasn't buying it. "Maybe I'm bored?"

"Your energy field is weak and fluctuating. That is not boredom." Perceptor barely glanced at him a moment longer before looking out over the horizon again.

Laughing just barely, he shook his head. Perceptor could read him like a book and it slightly unnerved him. Just a little… because he'd caught the other in a similar daze to his own when he'd look for just a bare glimpse of the scout now out there in danger. Time made him like Drift, and he'd stood up for him because of that. And besides, any mech that could save Perceptor from death and continue to urge the other to live… couldn't be a bad guy. "Hey Percy… is it ever too late?"

"Part of me says yes. But the part of me that remembers that I am still standing here… says no." Roddy listened to the soft accented words before smirking at the fact that it was the longest sentence he'd heard in a while. "Hot Rod… considering the circumstances…"

Whatever Perceptor had meant to say was lost as a tall figure stopped in front of them. Lifting his head to look up at the formidable figure, shadows outlined handsome features even as the deep frown caused ripples of tension through the lines of his face. Sunstreaker looked like his spark had been ripped out and stepped on by a gestalt. For a long moment they stared at each other and it was making Hot Rod's spark quiver in his chest as he tried to say something, anything to the distraught looking mech.

"Come with me." Sunstreaker spoke flatly to Hot Rod, then looked up to Perceptor who only glanced long enough at him to nod and return to his duty.

Rising to his feet quickly, he waited for Sunny to turn and start walking off in a direction away from the others. The other said nothing, but the tension and the slow slump of his shoulders caused Hot Rod to want to reach out and touch him. His hand rose slowly even as the cold despair of before clawed at his spark. When had Sunstreaker stopped walking? The silver appendage was pressed softly to the back of the other's forearm, trembling as though afraid of his lover's reaction.

What was only astroseconds felt like an eternity before yellow fingers reached back and slid over that hand. Before his processor could put words together, Sunny turned and pulled him hard into his arms. Pressing his face into the curve of Roddy's neck, he cycled air heavily against Hot Rod's neck.

Slowly reaching up, Roddy slid the hand not captured against his lover along the back of his helm. Softly tracing the curves of the helm, he tipped his head to softly kiss along the helm vent and the edges of his lover's helm. Words evaded him so he simply spoke with his actions as his hand came to rest on the back of Sunny's neck to rub through the wires lovingly.

"You wanted to talk…" Sunstreaker's voice prompted him to talk as he finally moved his head and started kissing along his neck with feather lightness. "Your energry field is…"

"I know… Perceptor already pointed that out." Smiling a little, he pulled back and moved so that their foreheads were pressed together. "I don't know if now is a good time to…"

"Now is the only time, Hot Rod… don't you get it?" Sunny narrowed his optics a little then sighed as his expression seemed to darken in sadness. "Please…"

"Please? That's not easy for you to say." Sighing softly, he moved the hand from Sunny's neck to caress his cheek. "I guess circumstances as they are… later may not come, huh?"

"Che… way to go captain obvious." Snorting a little, he finally nuzzled his nose against Roddy's and brushed their lips together. "Make me think of something else."

"I… I don't know…" Roddy hedged as the desire to say it came, but he felt the fear flare in his chest choking back his confidence.

"Spit it out. Seriously, Roddy… sometimes you're an idiot. You'll crash yourself on a planet with a meteor shower, but you won't tell me whatever you're thinking." Staring at him sharply, he started to pull away. "Forget it."

"I love you."

Sunny froze half way in the process of unweaving himself from Hot Rod. His optics nearly bled all of the aqua out as they brightened. After a long moment of fear causing his tank to surge and churn again, Hot Rod felt his optics stinging again. This had been a mistake. The courage and desire… what were they all for?

"I know."

"What?" Roddy's optics flared this time in surprise before they darkened and narrowed as the fear bled into anger. "Really?"

"No." Sunstreaker smirked a little in response to the anger and looked away silently. "Not really." His brow furrowed and his jaw tightened while Hot Rod watched him. Roddy could almost hear the thoughts in that processor as he seemed to let it sink in. Finally he turned to look at Hot Rod with a piercing gaze. "Why?"

"What do you mean, why?! I don't think love has a rhyme or a reason." Glaring a little, he finally sighed as Sunstreaker's expression seemed to darken as though he were completely withdrawing from the outburst. "Sunny… In all my life… you're the only one that drives my spark crazy. If it would make you believe me, I'll march out there and tell all of them, reputation and military status be damned."

As those words hung in the stagnant air, he saw a soft curl of his lover's lips in a bare hint of a smile. Sunstreaker stepped closer and slowly slid his hands over Roddy's cheeks as he leaned down to lightly touch their lips together in an almost kiss. "Don't. That's not necessary. And before you jumped to any stupid conclusions as you're prone to… it's not because I am ashamed of you." Lifting an optic ridge, he let out a warm sigh through his lips letting the heat slide over Roddy's face. "I want to tell you to forget it. Because I'm no good. I'm broken."

The cold words made him shiver, but he didn't back down. "Slagger. You're neither of those things."

"You more than anyone… know the truth."

"But I love you anyway…" Hot Rod's shoulder's sank at this and he slowly tipped his head down dimming his optics. Half rejection hurt just as much as full rejection. Attempting to move away, defeat loomed imminent before him and he didn't want Sunstreaker to see him when he broke down again.

"Yeah… sucks doesn't it?" Yellow hands gripped his shoulders and pulled him back against the yellow chestplate. Metal creaked and gave soft whines as Sunny hugged him close. His plating all but quivered as lips slid over his audio. "You've always had me. I only wish I weren't a selfish aft and held onto you when I should have shoved you away in the beginning when I started realizing you meant more to me."

"What?" Roddy's head shot up and he stared in surprise into the carefully constrained expression on the warrior's face.

"I should have pushed you away when I realized I loved you. Because I'm going to hurt you." Lips found Roddy's forehead and kissed the elaborate helm before Sunstreaker moved back. Thumbs slid down over his lover's cheeks before he let go. "But I'll be damned if I let it go unsaid at least once. Cause you're the stupid type of slagger that will be wreckless and broken if you never knew. You're such a masochist."

He couldn't help the small small as he swung to softly punch his lover in the shoulder. "Aft."

"You picked me. It's your own fault." Smirking a little, Sunstreaker rocked back and slowly looked Roddy over. The intense gaze was making him feel like butterflies were fluttering in his chest. Giving him a quizzical look, Sunny's voice was soft in answering. "Hate me."

"What?" His optics flared a little at the soft words and the complete turn in the feelings they finally voiced. "I can't hate you…"

"You have to." Darkened aqua optics met his own sending a chill down his spinal unit. "Just forget it for now." Letting out a gusty sigh through his vents, Sunstreaker leaned in and kissed his lips. Roddy returned it softly and smiled just a little as his lover pulled away. The warrior took a step back before slowly pushing past him barely whispering one last statement as he slid by. "I hope you forgive me someday."

Furrowing his brow, he pressed a hand to his chest while turning to watch his lover walk away. The mix of anxiety and happiness making him feel sick again. Why did everything make him so confused when it came to his lover? Like… a carousel. Sighing, he turned fully and fell into step behind the yellow mech watching him with softened optics. And this time, he didn't care if anyone caught him staring.

-+-

Running. Always running for their lives in order to survive. Maybe surviving remained their only function after all they'd gone through. Speeding down the eroded streets, he kept pace with the fleeing group even though his tank protested in earnest. At some point he'd managed to drag himself out of hiding and rejoin the others only to be told to move out.

Fuel pump racing, it caused his processor to ache. Focusing on anything but Kup's words turned out to be too much for him to handle right then. Running on empty but finding the strength to survive. Internally he smirked. That was the Autobot way.

In the torrent, all he heard was the sharp cry of the scientist gone sniper as he took a hit. Wheels swerved only to have Springer chastise him. "Keep moving!" How did Springer always sound so together?

Screeching to a halt as they reached the base, he transformed and hopped onto Roadbuster to help them get Perceptor inside. Lifting the light frame, he hopped from the larger bot ushering him inside to Ratchet. Setting him down just inside, Ratchet knelt on the other. "Dart…"

The medic's brow furrowed as he began to scan his vitals. Soon nimble red fingertips plucked the dart from the slender neck. "Will he be all right?"

"Just a neural net toxin… It was only enough to push him into stasis." The doctor never looked up as he worked. For some reason, it only made him feel more useless than he already did.

"What the frag are they doing?!" Lifting his head at the shout, he pegged the voice to Cliffjumper. With Perceptor down, he wondered what Kup would do… Rising to his feet, he jogged out gazing at his leader only to see his scowl pointed to the bridge. Following that gaze, his spark plummeted within his chest. Ironhide stood on the bridge tugging at the golden frame of Sunstreaker.

Flicking his gaze up further to the swarm, they gushed toward those figures with neck breaking speed. His legs set into motion before his processor could even fully comprehend what was going on. Though, before he could even set foot on the bridge, a strong hand grabbed his forearm sharply.

"No."

His upper body turned to see his best friend digging his fingers into the red armor of his arm. "Let go, Springer!"

"You're not going out there." Narrowed optics dimmed as his grip threatened to break through his plating.

Gritting his dental plating, he ripped about yanking at the grip only to feel seams give but Springer wouldn't release. Frantically he move to try and pry the silver fingers off of him as he looked back just in time to see Ironhide collapsing and Sunstreaker bending over. "Springer!"

A quick glance to the former Wrecker commander revealed a bowed head, hiding steely optics just under the ridge of his helm. His spark clutched in his chest as he squeezed at Springer's hands. Burning pricks in his optics blurred his vision as his vocalizer cracked. No… not now. Not when he'd just gotten the other to admit! "Please!"

Springer's head turned away, looking off to the side and away from his friend and the scene that quickly became dire. His knees began to quake even as Drift dragged Ironhide onto his back and sped away. Staring in abject horror, the blue hue faded from bright optics as shadowed figures covered the brilliant golden frame. "Please…"

'I'm sorry…'

The soft, quiet tone of his lover's voice broke through the shock, but before he could even realize the private comm. had been opened, the flare from Sunstreaker's blaster flashed in his optics. It was a mere prelude to the fiery explosion that followed engulfing everything. Debris crumbled down into the trench, fiery chunks of metal and unidentifiable pieces of the slain lit the darkened pit as they descended. His head lowered and watched as feeling began to fade in his legs.

All that he could feel was the sharp choking pain in his chest as his knees gave out. Strong hands braced his waist as Springer relented the grasp on Roddy's punctured arm. Had Springer not grabbed him, he would have fallen to his knees. The murmur of sound behind him caused his hands to coil into fists at his side, but he couldn't hear their words.

Whatever they had to say… didn't matter.

Sunstreaker was gone.

Sunstreaker wasn't coming back.

His body swayed and fell back into the broad chest of the Wrecker crew's former leader as he continued to stare at the black emptiness where the bridge once was. Dark… cold… emptiness.

"But why…?"

Hands tightened on his hips reminding him of where he stood. Optics darkened as Springer finally said something after denying him the right to go after his lover. "He probably had a good reason."

"Shut up! You have no right! You have no idea what he was like!" Ripping away from the green mech, he whirled about to glare at him as momentum caused his footing to falter. "How could you?!"

"How could I not?" Lowering his head, Hot Rod couldn't see the look on the normally hardened expression. But the small sound to a normally strong tone caused the anger to melt away back into his despair. Lifting a hand to his chest, he pressed at it trying to hold something in that felt like it was running away.

Vocalizer cracking, he dizzily swayed backward narrowly catching his fall on a piece of debris. Even still his processor spun the vertigo and helplessness eating away at logical thought as he pulled his other arm up to hug himself. "He's gone…"

Springer's steps could be heard as he moved closer; the normally solid stride seemed to falter. Finally he turned and sat down next to Hot Rod. It morbidly amused him how the other so easily played off not noticing the quaking… How could he be so calm?

"Roddy… Are you ready to let them all know how you felt about him?" Springer carefully chose his words as he leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. "I don't know… if you're ready for that…"

Hot Rod lowered his helm staring at the dirty metal beneath his feet. Everything was spinning and had he anything left in his tank… he would have purged it all out. Not moments before he'd been ready to tell the world… but now? "No…" They didn't deserve to know. They had no right to know about something so precious to him… and he couldn't bear the questions. He couldn't bear not having any answers… Why? _You fragging, glitch! Why?! WHY? How could you say you love me, then do this?!_

Ducking his head down, he curled his hands over his helm trying to drown out his internal screams. Springer moved uneasily and he knew the other grappled with his own personality as he looked for something to say. "Seeing him of all mechs here… guess it was like a dream…"

"A dream…" The sound of his voice was off key as his mind wrapped around the concept. His chest began to burn furiously and soon crawled its way up into his throat. He only laughed. Disembodied and detached, the hysterical chuckle sounded nothing like him… when did he turn out this way?

"Roddy?"

Still chuckling to himself, his arms hugged about his chest. A twisted smile pulled at his lips almost causing a sneer of bitterness as his optics darkened to a midnight hue. "All my dreams… turn into nightmares…"

_You're so melodramatic…_

_**-End-**_


End file.
